What Is Your Reality?

I used to be a workaholic.  When something had to be done, I gave it 200%.  My jobs consumed me, hobbies consumed me, and relationships consumed me.  I have been fiercely independent for as long as I can remember.  I am not afraid of hard work, commitment, dedication to getting something done.  But when I stopped and looked back on my life, I had to ask myself what was I trying to prove?

These days, I am teetering at the other end of that spectrum.  I have had some incredible opportunities in my life the last few years that have allowed me to view my life and my existence from an entirely different perspective.  On the surface, it appears I have been blessed with some incredible opportunities the last few years.  To some it may appear I am one of the lucky ones, or that I have somehow been blessed with opportunities not afforded to many.  It may even appear to some as though I lost my marbles and I am wondering aimlessly around the country.

But what is really going on?  I have simply made a series of choices in my life; the same choices everyone makes every day that determines how they live.  For me, it started by questioning what was driving me.  When I allowed myself to answer that question honestly I realized that I was being driven by a set of beliefs that I had to be a certain way, or accomplish certain things.  Beliefs that fed into the ego about what success is and that the amount of success is somehow measured by what I achieve.  And those achievements had nice rewards like fancy titles, expense accounts, nice cars and houses filled with nice things.  In 1999 I made the decision to walk away from that and start over.  This time I put the energy into my own business; a business that meant something and helped people.  But it didn't take long for that business to grow and consume me as well.  It became who I was.  Therapist, boss, business owner – there are those titles again.  Roles I stepped right back into, allowing them to define who I was.  Eventually nothing about it felt real to me, yet I was fully immersed in it.

In 2011 I made another choice and this time I let go of all attachments – the job, the house, the possessions, and the outcome.  With 100% certainty I trusted I would be guided.  It was when I let go of it all that the doors opened and gave me the time, place and tools to begin the dissection of self and soul.  I let go of the programming, the roles, and the stories of who I thought I was.  When I met new people and they asked me what my interests were or what I did for a 'living', I found myself without an answer.  I resisted spitting out the programmed default answer because it wasn't my truth.  The truth was, I didn't know – and I allowed that answer to be good enough because it was liberating speaking the truth.

These days I measure success not by my job, material possessions or bank account.  I measure it by my ability to live with an open heart, honest communication and full expression of the beauty that is in everything around me. Yes, my life is amazing.  But my life is no more amazing than anyone else who becomes fully aware that our realty is created by our beliefs and we always have a choice in what we believe.

What is your reality?

Why I Love/Hate Yoga

I started my new job last week Thursday and this week I finished my first full week of a 9-5 job.  I have not had a ‘desk job’ in 15 years.

I remember as a kid, watching an episode of Tarzan where they plucked him from the jungle and brought him to the city.  That pretty much sums up my experience since arriving in Miami on April 12^th.  My environment went from night time darkness – lit only by the phases of the moon and nighttime stillness only disturbed by the sounds of owls, coyotes, javelinas, and rushing water from the creek – to city lights and loud traffic.

If you have followed me the last 2 years, you know how amazing my life has been.  And that journey began because I listened to a calling of my soul.  So when the calling came again, I trusted it.  Just as the last transition was a significant change in my lifestyle, I knew, this too would be a significant change, but I was ready for it – I felt it coming.

Learning something new is always exciting and frustrating at the same time.  I am a very fast learner, but there is still a part of me that wants to be hard on myself for not knowing it quicker.  At the end of each day I found myself mentally exhausted and coming home with just enough energy to prepare a few meals, and then crash for the night.  By Friday this mental exhaustion had built into unexpressed emotional stress.

So what does this have to do with yoga?

I like how I feel after a yoga class and being in a new city and not knowing any one I figured it might be a good way to meet people.  I found an amazing yoga studio near my home and signed up for 1 month unlimited so I could try all the classes and the different instructors.

It is important to know that I have not been a dedicated ‘yogi’.  I first came to yoga only 5 months before I moved from Milwaukee and while in Sedona, only went to a handful of classes just before I moved to Miami.

This past week I thought about the classes each day, but I did not make it to one class because of the mental/emotional exhaustion I felt.  This morning I went to my first class since last week Saturday.  The minute class began I knew it was going to be a challenge for me – emotionally.  As soon as my feet hit the mat I felt everything that had built up during the week bubbling to the surface and by the time I was in my first downward dog I couldn’t hold back the tears.  With every pose my heart opened more as I felt increasingly vulnerable in a class filled with strangers.  I could no longer tell if I was wiping away beads of sweat or tears.  Yoga does not come easy for me.  I don’t know the names of many of the poses so I must follow visually.  My build is strong but not very flexible.  But none of it matters.  I didn’t care if it was tears or sweat, I didn’t care that I couldn’t do a handstand, I didn’t care that I didn’t make it to class all week, I didn’t even care what the tears were for.  I don’t need to attach a story to any of it.  I knew I was moving energy and that is all I needed to do.  And the most important part is I love how I feel after a yoga class.  My commitment to myself is making it to class 2-3 days a week. Like good nutrition, it is an important part of maintaining health and balance in my life and I am worth it.

I continue to grow and follow my calling. There is a passion that drives me because I know the path I am on is so much bigger than this brief moment in time.

I leave you with my favorite quote from Alberto Villoldo: When we call on Spirit – Spirit answers us 100% of the time. So when Spirit calls us, we must also answer 100% of the time.

Love and gratitude for Life
~ Marla

www.moonfoxmassage.com