Today as I sat down on my living room floor for a morning
meditation I closed my eyes and took in the smell of burning sage. I thought I heard
my name whispered and when I opened my eyes they fixed upon this wood carved loon.
In 2012 I sold everything, keeping only what would fit in my car. This loon was
one of the few ‘non-essential’ items I kept. It has been with me since July 10,
1999 when it was given to me by my grandfather. So why this morning, after all
this time, did the loon call to me? Why did it seem like that red eye, usually
not so noticeable, was glowing with great intensity? Why did it lock its gaze
on me preventing me from looking away as if I were staring into a swirling
spiral of red magnetic energy?
I started thinking about that day in July when I received it,
what a magical day it already was only to be topped off with such a powerful gift.
My grandfather made many but shared few of his carvings. Then childhood memories
started rushing out of that swirling red eye. I started thinking about all the years my
father purchased only the finest wood carving blocks as Christmas gifts to my
grandfather. I actually laughed out loud as I thought about all the corny jokes
he would tell. I started thinking about the time my grandfather and I were
picking wild raspberries and we came across a beautiful white tail deer and my
grandfather pulled out a white handkerchief and started flicking it to
communicate with the deer. I remembered how the look on the deer’s face changed
from caution to curiosity as he started moving towards us rather than away from
us and I actually felt in my physical body now, the same excitement I felt
then. And I remembered the day I received a phone call saying I might want to
go say goodbye to my grandfather, he was being put into hospice care.
It was about a 3 hour drive to see him. He was in and out of
alertness due to the morphine drip. He shared some beautiful stories and corny
jokes and said what a wonderful fulfilling life he had. I remember looking in
his eyes and feeling an incredible amount of peace. I can only compare it to
looking into the eyes of an angel. On the drive home I couldn’t stop crying and
I didn’t know why. If he was so at peace with dying why was I so sad. It was
then that I realized that my tears were those of regret. The older I got the fewer
visits I made to see my grandparents. I was thinking about all the time that
passed and how few times I visited; shouldn’t I have made more effort to spend
time with him over the years? Is it right to let your life be so busy that you
don’t take the time to travel and visit more often? I was actually feeling
guilty. And then I realized that all this sadness was about me – how did that
happen? It changed everything I believed about grief around dying. Death is certain;
we all know it is coming. Of course there is sadness when we lose someone; it
is one of our human experiences to feel sadness and grief from the loss of
physical companionship. But the extent of my sadness was clouded by my own
guilt and regret, creating an illusion of what the loss really was. Having
learned many things from my grandfather, this last lesson was the most
profound.
Well, here it is many years later, and I am experiencing my
grandfather in the exact same way as all those years ago by reliving the memories.
So it gets me to thinking, just how long ago was it that he passed? Checking
the funeral notecard, it was August 28, 2004. His service was held September 1,
2004. Holy shit, my goosebumps just got goosebumps.
But what does this have to do with my morning meditation? I
have to go back to the beginning, to the intention I set for my meditation this
morning. I have been feeling a great absence of connection. I am far from
family, my friends are scattered in cities all over, none of which is Miami. I
am questioning my choices and feeling some guilt for making them. So I set a
simple intention this morning to allow me to find that missing connection.
So on this 10 year anniversary of my grandfather’s death, he
decides to connect with me through his wood carved loon. Seems as corny as the
jokes he would tell. Yet his connection is a much needed reminder that we are
never really alone and our thoughts and memories can create great happiness or
great sorrow, we choose.
